Butter Boy: The New Man in My Life

“I have a confession to make.  I’m not quite sure how to say this, so I’m just going to say it…I’ve found someone new.  No, no…it isn’t you, it’s me.  Over the course of our long relationship, you’ve been good.  You always got the job done and for that, I am grateful.  But let’s be honest…you’re messy.  At the beginning you were fresh and new and I couldn’t wait to get my hands on you, but after awhile, you just let yourself go.  It’s time for me to move on to bigger and better things.  I’ve found someone who is cuter, more efficient and, most importantly, cleaner.  And that someone is…Butter Boy.”


You have just read the break-up letter I wrote to the stick of butter currently wedged in my fridge door.  It’s not just any stick of butter, though…it’s that random stick that is reserved solely for buttering corn.  You know what I’m talking about.  That smashed down, half-melted then re-formed stick that still has the impression of corn on the top and maybe even a kernel or two still leftover from the family barbecue last weekend.  Like many of you, I would drag that same stick of butter out every time we had corn on the cob.  And each time I did, I would think to myself, “there has to be an easier way to butter corn on the cob.”


After many sleepless nights and lots of prayers, my wish came true.  As I was strolling the produce aisle of my local grocery store, I had a chance encounter with Butter Boy.  His package called to me: “I Butter Corn!  Glides easily onto warm corn on the cob and holds and dispenses ½ stick of butter.”  I picked up the package and could’ve sworn I heard angels singing Halleluiah!  Reality set in when I realized it was a little old lady behind me asking if I was going to buy this because it was really just an infomercial trap.  How dare you relegate Butter Boy to the ranks of such products as the Eggwave or Salad Fingers?  No way…as far as I’m concerned, they’re not even in the same league.  And with that, Butter Boy found himself a front row seat in my cart.


When I got him home, I realized he was dressed for any occasion.  His red and white, picnic tablecloth-like kerchief can easily go from an intimate, special occasion meal to a casual family barbecue.  A man ready for anything…I like that.  I put the half stick of butter in and proceeded to butter the corn on the cob that I bought specifically to test this product.  Just push up as much butter as you need, swipe it on the corn and you’re done.  In a word: perfection.  The corn was evenly buttered and there was no mess.  He’s not just eye candy…he actually works!


The sting of breaking up with the traditional butter stick is still with me, but I know in time that Butter Boy will make that melt away into a summer full of bliss…and perfectly buttered corn.